Crashing my Dirt Bike
I rode my dirt bike and then I crashed it. I crashed in a sewer hole and some of the mud flew onto my back. The sewer was flooded and it was all over me. I started to cry because I was scared and sad. I went behind a tree to hide. Then it was time to go to bed. Tears were on my face.
Cassie’s Comments for Dom:
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry about your dirt bike accident! That sounds horrible. I hope that you weren’t hurt. You’re a very good story teller though. I could really feel your embarrassment and sadness.
I noticed that you used the word “crash” a couple times. You could use a word that sounds similar, but not exactly the same, to give more variety and spice up the story. For example, smashed, fell, or slammed. This will allow the reader to get a better feel for the event at hand.
I really liked your phrase “mud flew onto my back.” It gives a very clear visual. You should use more phrases like that in the future; it allows the reader to better imagine what’s going on.
I noticed that, in the story, you went from hiding behind the tree to going to bed. What happened in that space of time? Don’t be afraid of overexplaining. I wasn’t bored with your story.
You’re a very capturing and friendly story teller. I enjoyed reading your pieces!
See you later,
Cassie