My mom’s name is Georgia Moore Cumuch. She has a short name like my name is. Iseabella Rae Datavs. My mom is 28 years old. She is very young. When she had me she was: 19 years old. When I was born, my dad was 23 years old! I love my mom so much she is nice. She moved to North Carolina but in twenty days or less my mom and my step dad are moving to Maine but there are 5 or 6 rooms. Downstairs rooms: Bella Iseabella’s room, Mike’s room, T.V. room. Upstairs rooms: Georgia and Matthew’s room, living room, kitchen, art studio room. My room is big and it has a loft too. When my mom moved away to North Carolina more than a year ago, I was really sad. When I found out that my mom was moving back to Maine I was so excited! I am so excited because I will get to see her more often. My mom flew back to North Carolina today. She has to go back to get her belongings but she will return.
Sarah’s comments for Bella:
ReplyDeleteThis is another really great story you wrote, Bella! I'm happy for you that you will get to see your mom more often. I can see that you tried to add a lot of detail to this story, and I think you did a really good job.
When I read your story, I saw that you added an exclamation mark after you wrote, “When I was born, my dad was 23 years old”. I think it would be an interesting tidbit if you explained why you thought this fact stuck out to you. Was it because your dad was older than your mom when you were born?
One thing I wanted to tell you is that in your sentence, “When she had me she was: 19 years old”, you don't need to use a semi-colon (which is what this mark : is called). You can just write, “When she had me she was 19 years old.” I think it's cool that you are using different punctuation in your story like a semi-colon, it makes your story more interesting!
I was a little confused when you wrote, “She moved to North Carolina but in twenty days or less my mom and my step dad are moving to Maine but there are 5 or 6 rooms.” I think if you made this one sentence into two, then it would be easier to understand. Maybe you could write the first sentence about when your mom moved away, and then your second sentence about your mom and step dad moving to Maine and buying a house with 5 or 6 rooms.
I can really imagine your mom's house in my head when you describe all of the rooms in it. I think you really added a lot of information here, which is awesome! One last thing I wanted to suggest to you, is that you make a new paragraph after you finish describing your room. I think this would help with the organization of your story.
I hope you keep improving in your writing, Bella. I can see you getting better already! I can't wait to talk to you online again about your amazing writing.
Sincerely,
Sarah