Haliegh used to be my best friend forever. I used to go to her house all the time but we had a fight. That changed everything. I met Haliegh at one of her horse shows. Now Haliegh is my arch enemy. But I have a new friend. Her name is Maddie and Maddie is the best friend I ever had. Maddie has a little sister named Abby, Maddie says Abby is a pain in the butt. I'm kind of glad that I don't have a little sister. Maddie has three best friends. They’re Bella D., Emma S., and Riliegh B. Maddie is a little crazy sometimes. Maddie, well Maddie is on and off with friends.
Hey Elijah,
ReplyDeleteIt’s great that you are finding friends that you like and feel comfortable with. Again, I can definitely relate to you in that sense and I can see myself in your story.
I noticed that your fourth sentence is a very strong sentence that really grabs the reader’s attention. It would probably be a great lead sentence.
I’d like to know a little more about Haliegh. You said that you had a big fight with Haliegh that ended your friendship, but I don’t get much more information than that. Do you remember what the fight was about? What caused Haliegh to become your “arch enemy” and stay that way? Those details would really help build your essay up a bit.
Next, you began talking about Maddie. Maddie sounds like a very interesting friend. I was curious as to if you are friends with any of Maddie’s friends or not.
Your last two sentences are very engaging and interesting. Could you add a little bit of information about Maddie’s “craziness”? Do you mean that she is a little weird? Maybe she is just very energetic and silly sometimes.
The very last sentence impressed me very much. Your sentence structure (the order and form that you put the sentence together) was quite advanced and I really want to try to use it more in my own writing. Is Maddie “on and off” with your friendship or her friendships with others?
You have written a strong base/bottom to build a very nice essay on. With a bit more detail to tie the different sections of your essay together, you will really be able to hold the readers attention and keep them reading on.
Can’t wait to talk again!,
Kody