Monday, December 6, 2010
Ice Cream
One day my family was coming back from Vermont and we stopped in Ogunquit to see my mom and dad's friends from New York. They were in Ogunquit on vacation. We had dinner with them. After dinner we where going out for ice cream. We walked to the ice cream shop, it was a long walk. At the ice cream shop you could make your own ice cream sundae. After I picked one flavor they were all out of that flavor. After a couple of minutes I choose another flavor. The ice cream sundaes were two scoops. Then my parents decided that me and my sister could only have one scoop. So we could only have one topping. To make it worse I had to sit alone or I could squeeze into a table. I decided to squeeze into the table it made me a little bit happier.
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What did you eat for dinner in the third sentence?
ReplyDeleteWhere did you go out for dinner?
It’s cool that you tell your readers what happened before you went to the ice cream store, but when you do mention these details, try not to leave your reader hanging with little information.
“We walked to the ice cream shop, it was a long walk.” Suggested: It was a long walk to the ice cream shop.
Sentences need to flow like a water slide. If you go down a water slide and all of a sudden there are missing links or no water then your readers will not have fun going down your slide.
You mention “You can make your own Sunday.” try to go more in depth.
Just a simple thing like ‘you could have a banana split with gummy bears and marshmallows with hot fudge on top of it all’. These are examples and little details like these makes your readers drool and gets them hooked.
All in all your a wonderful writer with great ideas, we all just need the tools and experience to create our own masterpiece. Mention you favorite flavor. “Cherry Vanilla” I assume?
You did a great job going into depth when you talked about you and your sister only allowed to get on topping and one scoop.
Nice Job Man Can’t wait to
see/talk to you, Morgan