My name is Maddie. I have a friend named Lindsey. We play together most of the time. Sometimes Lindsey plays with Rebecca. When I play with Lindsey we play far out in the woods. We pretend we are horses. Then we found a wild horse. Me and Lindsey got on the horse and the horse started to go. There was a big wall. Me and Lindsey thought we were going to crash but the horse jumped over the wall. The horse landed. We got off the horse and it galloped away. Me and Lindsey played some more. We galloped back to the playground. I tripped and hurt my knee but I was okay. Lindsey brought me to the nurse anyway and got an icepack. Lindsey needed her inhaler anyway. I asked Lindsey if she wanted to come over to my house. She said, “yes.” So, after school she came with me. When Lindsey got to my house, we played horses in the woods and guess what we found... another wild horse.
Hey Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your new story especially since your friend and I have the same name. In your intro you mention your friend Rebecca, but there aren't any details about her and she isn't included much in the story. It might be better to take her out of the story or add her into your plans.
The majority of the story is set in the woods, but where are these woods? and isn't it scary out there alone? These details would help the reader understand the setting of the story. Also explaining how you and Lindsey get from the woods to the playground would help the reader understand more of what is going on. In your last few sentences of the story I like how you used quotation marks because they help the reader with the voice of the story.
Overall I think you have a really great story and developing the characters feelings and personalities would make your story better.