Me, four grown-ups, and four little boys decided to go sledding one day. Hi, my name is Macala, my favorite color is purple. Now back to my story about sledding. It was one winter day when we went sledding. I got there by car and I went in Waterville by a small school. When we got there I grabbed a snow board and ran to the hill and went down. While I was going, I went over a bump, did a flip in the air, and broke my arm and also the snowboard. After that, I waited at the bottom for a grown-up. Finally one came down and helped me up. He carried my snowboard for me. I walked very slowly like a turtle up the hill. When I got to the top, it was time to go so I said, “good-bye” and waved to everybody. Then, like a bunny, I jumped into the car. My Mom talked for a minute and then came into the car. I sat next to my dog Jax for the ride home. When we got home I had to brush my teeth and put on my jammies. It was cold in the house. I snuggled up in the blankets with my Mom and fell asleep.
Emma,
ReplyDeleteYou’re just rockin’ and rollin’! It seems that you have one great piece after another. When you first read this story to me in class, I remember having a hard time helping you out. Overall, it is very well-written.
One of the first things that I noticed was your use of details such as “one winter day”, “ran to the hill”, and “I sat next to my dog Jax on the way home”. If you didn’t have these things, your story would still make sense, but it is so much more fun to read with them.
I also really liked the way that you used both “…like a bunny, I jumped into the car” and “I walked very slowly like a turtle up the hill”. These comparisons, also called similes, really help the reader understand what you are writing about. The reader can see exactly what Macala did. At the same time, they make your story so much more interesting.
Although your story is very good overall, I do think that you could work on a few things. In your second sentence, you wrote, “Hi, my name is Macala, my favorite color is purple”. I understand what you were trying to do here, but because it is sounds more like a first sentence, you could place it at the beginning of your story. If you do this, your story will sound less confusing. Also, you probably don’t need to say that Macala’s favorite color is purple. This isn’t important to the rest of your story.
The other possibly confusing part is when you say Macala was going sledding. Later on in the story, you say that Macala is snowboarding. Although you probably just forgot, you will still want to choose one or the other.
I found a couple other questions to ask you about such as who were the four boys, and what the sled/snowboard that Macala had was, but we can talk more about these things a little later on.
Hope to talk more soon,
Kyle