My mom and I were watching a show about cats on Animal Planet and mom fell asleep halfway through it. I started drawing on a piece of paper while I was watching the show. Suddenly I heard a hiss, and I stopped drawing. I looked up and I saw Fred clawing at the T. V. screen. Fred is black with two little areas of black on his head. His tail is all black except for an inch of white around the tip of his tail.He is mishevous and can sometimes knock things over. Sometimes when my mom is reading a magazine, Fred will push it over because he wants to let my mom know that he is hungry.
"Hah ha ha", I thought as Fred clawed at the screen. I had to wake up mom who was asleep on the couch. Slowly I crept toward mom to wake her up, but Fred flew by my face and the second he landed on mom he fell asleep. "That was weird" I whispered. Ted my other cat was eating like a pig at his food bowl in the kitchen, but of course Ted was a pig for Halloween last year. I got back to drawing, I was working on a picture of Iron Man, and then I got bored and I went to bug Ted. He was sitting next to his food bowl. Mom woke up .. "aw man, " I said in a low voice. I went back to my picture. Mom looked at the clock and saw that it was 5:15. "Mom " I said," Can I eat now?" Mom noticed that we should have eaten fifteen minutes earlier. We had pizza, and cake for dessert.
Next... THE FIGHT!
Great story Devin, It really shows me that you have grown as a writer. You have good sentence structure and used many details. I really liked the way you started off this story because it caught my attention and made me want to keep reading. When you mention you are watching a show on cats on Animal Planet, maybe you should mention what the show is on about cats? It was great that you gave lot's of details about your cat Fred, but I would add some more details about your other cat Tom. This would help the reader understand the way both cats were. Towards the end of your story you talk about asking your mom if you can have dinner, and then you get pizza. I'm not sure what this has to do with your story and the cats, so it would be helpful to add one or two sentences to connect the two topics. Lastly I loved your last sentence! I can't wait for you to continue this story, so I can see what happens. Overall great job, you've become such a great writer.
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