Me and my sister, Cate, fight a lot and I pushed her down the stairs and broke her arm. My sister broke both my arms too. But I hit her with my Nerf gun. Ha. Ha. And then she started running at me. Then, she got sent to her room. Score! But I shouldn't be talking because I go to my room a lot. Sometimes we are nice to each other but not all the time. Sometimes I like her. Me and Catlyn have Nerf wars a lot. She is so fast I can't hit her so I take a short cut and hit her and then she starts to cry. When I hit her with my Nerf gun I have had to go to my room. Me and Cate fight a lot so I get grounded a lot.
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ReplyDeleteHey Connor!
ReplyDeleteGreat story! It had a lot of voice and made me laugh a lot! I could picture it happening very well, and nothing was confusing.
On character development you really explained how you feel about your sister, and how she feels about you, so you did very good there. You might want to describe her a bit more.
Also, I think you should work on making a clear beginning, to introduce the story. Like after you say that you fight a lot, maybe and the sentence there, and then begin a new one.
And, the order which you put the events, is a little confusing, so maybe you should put all the stuff about the Nerf wars close together, instead of all spread out.
Good job!
See you soon, Melissa