My Fractured Foot
My story starts on my 2nd day at wow camp. When I got to wow camp we did 45 minutes juggling. I juggled 3 scarfs. The colors of my scarfs were blue, green, and red. Then I went over to the balls and worked on getting up by myself. The steps to getting on the ball by yourself are: first put one knee on the ball and leave the other foot on the ground. Second: put the other knee on the ball, hint, leave the other knee on the ball. Third: put one foot on the ball then the other, hint, do it fast or you will fall off. Now, back to my story. After I practiced it was time for lunch I had a subway sandwich with a bag of popcorn on the side. After lunch I went to do ball again. When I got up on the ball I fell off and hit my foot! It hurt so bad it felt like someone dropped a huge boulder on my foot!
Emma,
ReplyDeleteThis story is full of great details. Also you have many helful transition words. The transition words that you used were,"when", "then", "first", "second", "third", "now", and "after". These words make your story easy to read. Your story flows, if you know what I mean.
I also noticed that you tried to connect your ideas when you said, "Now, back to my story." I see what you were trying to do here, but I think saying it actually hurts your story. Instead, you might say, "So, after I finally figured out how to get on the ball, I went to have lunch.
And for one more little thing that you may want to work on: don't be afraid to finish your story by telling about the rest of your day. I know that I want to know more about your foot, whether you went to the hospital or not, and how tired you were when you finally got home.
Thanks for sharing another one of your stories with me. You really are on a roll!
Hope to talk more soon,
Kyle