I got a dog. His name was Kegan. I think he was black and white, but when I was younger I was on my swing, swinging and Kegan would lay down under my swing and lick my feet. We had so much fun but our yard was too small for him, so we had to give him away. I was extremely sad. I said “do we really have to get rid of him?” My mom said “yes, our yard is too small for him, he can’t run all over our yard like...big.” I said “oh, I am going to miss him a lot.” My mom said “I know, I am going to miss him too.” And now that he is gone I think at PetCo I think I see him because there wait, there are two reasons I think I see him. Number one: there are dogs in PetCo. Number two: there are black and white dogs in PetCo.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
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Hi Maddie!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your narrative about Kegan, your dog,but there were a few parts that confused me.
You started your piece off with "I got a dog", which made me think you just recently got one. Maybe if you said "I had a dog, he (or she)was black and white I think", it may be easier for the reader to understand that youre talking about a past experience.
I loved the descriptive part where you're on the swing and Kegan is licking your feet- I felt like I was there! Awesome work Maddie.
There is a part in your piece where you're quoting your mom but you didn't finish the sentence. You said "Yes, our yard is too small for him, he can't run all over our yard like...big." We should talk about this in our skype conference and brainstorm about what you want to replace those three dots with.
It's great that you're putting your thoughts into your piece but there are certain times when it just doesn't fit. You started a thought, wrote the word "wait" and changed that thought into something else. In that case, maybe you should erase that first thought and stick with the edited one.
Great start Maddie, I can't wait to make your piece even better after our Skype conference- see you soon!
-Angel